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Pray for Radiance

by SOS 1995

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1.
No Poetry 01:47
no one's coming for you so don't you even try no one cares about you so kiss your life good-bye you don't know where you're going you despise everywhere you've been you're peeking from your pupa an earthworm born again the canyon in your cataracts is growing day by day i'm surprised your eyes haven't fallen out the way you stare at me you say you're changing daily but where's that progress now?? you can't see the horizon when you're face-down on the ground
2.
i wrote this song for you three years ago but i held back my tongue i guess that i'm a different person now what fragile monsters we become my heart belongs inside my chest yes, i know that now i just needed to corral myself i was the fastest gun around i hope time did not change you like it changed me, darling i hope your mind has grown into a mighty oak or a mushroom cloud i know that you're my champion so shoot an apple off my head and pin it to the wall like teacher did when i was ten once, we did sit upon my bed together and we talked about our fears so many days have passed since then & yet your voice still sleeps inside my ear but don't think that i'm hung up on a memory! (...although it might seem like i am) i'm just overly enthusiastic about seeing you again i hope time did not change you like it changed me, darling i hope your streetlight does still flicker in the rain i know they say you can't go home again but i pass my childhood house on the way to work every day, and isn't that the same thing? isn't that the same thing? maybe one day out in the rain i will find a place that's dry but until then i will depend on cheap umbrellas, & runner's highs and you can find me and my selfish dreams in bed with anyone who'll listen night after day to the same stupid play about the pieces that i'm missing
3.
Gaslighting 03:33
i'm dying to look at the facts but one-half of my brain just can't relax (!!!) can't tell everyone that i'm dry when i'm soaking can't seem to convince anyone that i'm not joking i can see what this is you don't wanna believe in meaningless emptiness i understand!! - but most of us are all made up of nothing & covered in nothing & feasting on it, too but if the space between ever comes between you & me i'll set fire to this house & start again i wanna move out of the state give me a few days, maybe i'll come back (to my senses, and realize that home is a monument to being comfortable in a world where time wounds all heels when they stay still...) and if the space between ever comes between you & me i'll set fire... and start again [i dwelt too long in sorrow waiting for tomorrow]
4.
here's to me hopefully not fucking this up! it's been a pretty long time since i've been romantic and even when i was, i wasn't very good at it at all here's to fewer days of feeling like i'm falling when i'm standing on solid ground and even when i whisper it, it's deafeningly loud to me 'cause she's so pretty and i'm so shitty one thing goes wrong and i feel like quitting my nose in the air and my head in the sand a bird in the bush and nothing in my hands the weather's so nice if you don't notice the storm clouds gathering over my head but it's not socially acceptable to talk about that at all and giving into cliché is my only escape i'm too stoned to think of anything else but repetition's something that i do very well slowly 'cause you're so pretty and i'm so shitty one thing goes wrong and i feel like quitting my nose in the air and my head in the sand a bird in the bush and nothing in my hand and i feel a bee's wing's beating in my brain, and it's scraping on the backs of my eyes pushing poison in my spine but at least i knew it was coming!
5.
Helcaraxë 05:20
i'm grinding on my teeth to warm up my cold feet they glide together but these molecules never coincide i changed my mind but the doctor said he bumped his head and he's giving me his medicine instead i was crawling on all fours from my hell into yours i'm a fan of efficiency but i'm tied to someone else's memories the bed lined with lethargy the blackest cells collect so effortlessly you used to show me how to sail these seas, but everything is different now we are a clot in heaven's blood too enraptured to knock on wood i froze myself so i could keep from crying and when you disappear it's the photographs i'll fear a signifier of all the pain i wanted to ignore so say no more and we'll stand here for eternity this film is burning, burning, BURNING me we are a clot in heaven's blood too enraptured to knock on wood i froze myself so i could keep from crying i broke the ice while you were fighting with yourself casting stones at angels never helped...anyone we are a clot in heaven's blood too enraptured to knock on wood i froze myself so i could keep from crying sparks flying, but i can reach the gate as long as i've a purpose, paradise can wait
6.
Ice Machine 03:01
i felt ice in between my teeth tonight but i don't feel cold at all it must not've been that detrimental but at the time i was out of my mind and a demon grabbed hold of my throat i must have been a mess too close with my coffee breath but worried you would smell my sweat and how it grew into a fume of chemicals, that scratched on all of my windows etchings in black, brown, & red coming up from the bottom of the sea it's a gaping hole to swallow you & me and i wish that i had filled it when it was small... icebergs in an ice machine in a hotel lobby where i can hardly think but you know i'll drink (you know i'll drink!!) once or twice i was nothing but nice and i did nothing but cry but i believe a cold snap's on the way i'll put the winter in its place and rise up... ...through the clouds... ...into my home???
7.
Nowhere, TN 04:09
come back to me with the smell of smoke upon your breath like a kiss of death to me what can it be? you're too close to me to be the girl who choked the scene at seventeen with no idea what it would mean for the boys & girls who couldn't travel up the street without wearing out their feet you didn't know what time it was all you knew was you were drunk and he was out of place and secretly you felt that you were, too what's a horse without the glue that's bottled up inside of you? bottled up inside of your heart? you just want someone else to kick-start your life 'cause God knows you're not going to God knows you're not going to God knows you're not going to you said you wanted out of this town but this town's the only thing that's keeping you alive and maybe that's not a contradiction, and if that's true i feel so very bad for you and i'm the only one who will they put you on a pedestal, 'cause you're not another corporate schill or another aging couple watching Law & Order: SVU being you's a tall, tall order standing still & moving too like a fantasy too real to be the girl who shed a tear at just fourteen when the boys & girls at school were just too mean and you said you couldn't stay - but there you were the very next day to face the adults who beat the shit out of your dreams and the boys & girls, just leaking hormones like a stream and look at you... and look at you... the black hole at the center of the galaxy the self-anointed hipster queen gazing down her nose at me blocking out those memories she hit the ground running at a breakneck pace like growing up was some kind of race but you said you didn't wanna stay behind well i guess that i understand, and i guess that makes you right but was that a tear from a statue that i just saw on your cheek? well.. i guess that makes you Jesus Christ!! your mother's home-cooked meals washed away by cheap half-finished beers and cheaper half-smoked cigarettes and the exes that you can't forget let's hope you never settle down what a shame it would be not to have you around the glue that holds the tenuous down but if familiarity breeds contempt this party is making me sick and i'm sorry if i'm acting like a dick but for God's sake you're twenty-two and look at you! what do you see??
8.
you were broken in half with your stomach distended kicked in the face with a muddy steel toe giving up everything you wanted for a taste of control and i hated it for you balter back & forth let our natures take their course you've been taking too many hints from the flowers in your soul and you're searching for something to make you whole i came up to meet you with novels on my tongue but i spit out confetti, and that's when i knew you had won so i bit back my weakness & tried to cover it up how i hate being caught in a lie! so, here!! take all my money!! who needs it? who needs it? i'll throw away all of my books 'cause who reads those sad heroes' tales anymore? why should Ulysses darken my door?! something remorseless in the way i talk to myself prevents me from ever really needing the help of a parent, or God, or what-have-you but sometimes i wonder who i'm s'posed to talk to...? so, i pull on your string and you say what i want to hear but talking to myself is my only real fear oh, i wish that i'd left you wrapped up so neatly! if we'd stayed upon each other's shelves we'd never have to leave so let me be the man who bellows into the night changing your name to cure my stage fright so let the water turn to wine as the pearls become swine 'cause if my ship sinks here...i'll be all right
9.
could i carve this madness out of stone weave a new heart out of flesh & bone would it beat & bleed just like your own or could it do anything different? could i carve this madness out of stone nose & chin so gently worn a wanderlust in dust lost in time a piercing plea i’ll always recognize could i curve the sound into the light would a third eye give me second sight and what would i discover there? ‘cause i’m lost in all my selfish dreams just wondering what it all could mean but the worst part is, my eyes are so cloudy i can’t appreciate the world around me i want, i want, i want, i need and everything i want is free but it’s worthless, trite, junky, fleeting like the cotton mouths that i’ve been feeding great satan up and down my spine i’ll drink your poison if you’ll drink mine and as i rot, the light will pour out of me every man’s an island, every man’s a sea
10.
they say that i'm not too good at living i say, "i think i'm doing just fine" you say that i'm not too good at loving i say, "i think you've never really seen me try" but every day every hour distractions keep me far away and every night i get a little bit sour just waiting for a change to come my way so what if i'm a little incompleted? there's no need to make an ocean of a lake nobody ever said perfection was a good thing and in fact, i think it adds unnecessary weight but every way i could tell you what i'm feeling it's been said a thousand times before but nobody waits to become what they're stealing so hold up the antenna one time more sleeping your life away giving up on today one day falls into the next my arms are wide with circumstance but don't let me fall into the dark, okay? don't let me fall into the dark, okay? 'cause i'm afraid i'm afraid, but i'll never go away

credits

released April 24, 2020

Engineered by Alek Scott at Dark Horse Studios in Franklin, TN.
Mastered by Rick Pruden at Stony Hollow Studio in Bangor, PA.
Production assistance by Ali Reza and oversight by Nora Mandrus.
Cover art by Joe Vollan.
All composition and performance by Alex Cunningham except violin on "Nowhere, TN" by Joseph Shackelford.

Alex would like to give his profoundest thanks to all credited; in addition, Ryan R. Davis, Nora Mandrus, Christopher Ott, Mal Burns, Mike Wolfe, Ben Scheffler, Cole Bearden, Lexi Kennedy, Robin Crow, Jayme Brunson, Jack Brunson, Joshua Hellvig, Allen B. Keel, Hans Mitchell, Chad Downing, Sarah Logue, Taylor Thurman, Kurt Koenig, Jay Palmer, Zach Van Buren, JP Clardy, Julien Baker, Philip Maloney, Devin Hill, Hannah Arn, John Salaway, Stephen Burnette, Tim Weal, Scott Kinney, Mary Allen, and Jimmy Cunningham. I almost gave up on this project more times than I'd like to admit, and all of you in some way inspired and/or enabled me to complete it. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

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SOS 1995 Murfreesboro, Tennessee

Lyrical rock & roll from Murfreesboro, TN.

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